Using writing through my grieving process has been immensely helpful in dealing with the loss of my mom. But I noticed how I could take it to another level considering how the memory of my mother began to fade. Click through to read all of my honest thoughts from coming to terms with her fading in my memory and how I will use writing to aid that (and how you can too).

When Your Loved One Dies Again and You Want to Write Them Back to Life

Out of all the days that my mom had to die, it had to be on the first day of summer. June 21st: the same day that is looked upon with optimism for the new season is the same day that began a lifetime of grief. Sometimes, I think that the universe conspired to make this sick joke against me.

Today makes it 18 years since she passed away. Yet the last time I cried over losing her was only 4 days ago. Some might be surprised that tears can still shed so long after someone dies. However, grief, no matter how far long the journey, never guarantees dry wells.

While I was mourning the fact that she was no longer with me, the focal point of this moment wasn’t her physical absence. My mom already died but I feel like she’s dying again, this time in my memory.

I realized that I don’t remember what she sounds like. And that scared me.Using writing through my grieving process has been immensely helpful in dealing with the loss of my mom. But I noticed how I could take it to another level considering how the memory of my mother began to fade. Click through to read all of my honest thoughts from coming to terms with her fading in my memory and how I will use writing to aid that (and how you can too).

In a hurried panic, I’m writing about her again to keep her alive. That’s what I do when talking to confidants aren’t enough: as if it’s second nature, I write it out. But though these words continue to imprint her existence on my heart, it’s the details of her speaking voice that have begun to fade. It makes me feel guilty and afraid: guilty because I feel like I have betrayed her for not being wholly remembered and afraid because I don’t want to lose her a second time.

While I cried, I forgot about the wedding between my mom and my dad recorded on VHS tape and how her voice is heard exchanging vows with my dad. But now, it finally hit me and I breathe something like a sigh of relief. I can ask Dad for the tape, bring my notebook with me, and write down what her voice sounds like, I think to myself. My heart is finally calm. I can rest a little easier.

I can finally put a speaking voice to the fierce tigress of a woman that I call my mother. I can see how her vocal chords transforms her speaking voice into her mezzo soprano singing voice, calling to mind the memorized gospel lyrics she wrote with my dad. I can regain the piece of her that I thought I lost forever. It’s only a request away. She can and will be wholly remembered.

And if I end up losing access to that video after watching it for some reason, I can refer to the description of it that will bring her voice back to life, forever etching it in my memory. I refuse to let her die again.

Using writing through my grieving process has been immensely helpful in dealing with the loss of my mom. But I noticed how I could take it to another level considering how the memory of my mother began to fade. Click through to read all of my honest thoughts from coming to terms with her fading in my memory and how I will use writing to aid that (and how you can too).

One unexpected thing I learned is how visual art has been so therapeutic in my own life. Usually it’s writing or sharing with a trusted friend. But using photography to commemorate her life is new. And I love it. This picture was the result of having something playing in the background while I’m putting my mom’s photo along with different props that represent her.

Write Back to Life

Related: Write to Live Forever + The Importance of Writing for Yourself

Have you ever dealt with the realization that a loved one that has passed away is fading in your memory? How did you deal with it? Share it with me in the comments below.

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